Miss Fanny from Texas has won the funny menopausal night sweat and hot flash contest from http://www.haralee.com/ with this entry from her blog, Fanning Flashes, http://www.fanning/ flashes.
I think her story and picture is self explanatory. We have all been there and Miss Fanny is brave enough to share.
Fuzzy brain is a weird condition of menopause…a well-documented syndrome in which the afflicted struggles to have a complete thought as a result of the cataclysmic evacuation of estrogen from the system. Who knew estrogen really made one think clearer? By the way, this is not a scientific theory, more of a menopausal hypothesis.
Earlier this morning, I was checking out some recent posts from my favorite blogs and came across one about buying things in multiple which made me think of a recent fuzzy brain faux pas story which related to multiples purchases. For those of you who aren’t familiar with multiples purchasing, it basically means when you find something that looks good on you, taste good to you, or fits you, you buy it it in every color or flavor (for me that would be shoes and girl scout cookies).
So where does the fuzzy brain syndrome fit in with multiples purchasing you ask?
I believe this photo speaks for itself...
I took this glamorous ped-shot with my iphone midday at a board meeting after looking down in horror, apparently for the first time that day, to discover I had worn two different colored shoes. After my discovery I didn’t hear a thing in the meeting. I was immersed in a detective-like retracing of my mismatched steps leading up to the sighting. My fuzzy brain was racing…Who had I talked to? Did anyone try to give me a clue? Would there be a new fashion rage at the hospital system of trendy wannabes working the two-different-colored-shoes look?
I wish I could tell you that this was the first time I had done anything like this but that would be a lie. No, fuzzy brain syndrome and I go way back…there was the time I went on three hospital site visits with an old band-aid stuck to the back of my head or the conference I went to with my shoes on the wrong foot and limped around a good part of the day before I realized it. Yes, I am no stranger to menopausal fuzzy brain ( as many of my loving facebook friends reminded me when I posted the foot shot on my wall), the only difference was that when I launched the two-different-colored-shoes look, I had a temporary lapse in fuzzy brain and the forethought to know that this had to be captured by photo.
The Coupledom Through The Life Cycle: Tools are needed throughout relationships to deal with “change”. In the beginning of the committed relationship couples believe that they share goals, values and styles. The notion that personalities remain static is unrealistic. Development proceeds throughout the life cycle. Just as children shift and morph who they are, so do adults. The early pictures of “growing together as a couple” need to be reviewed and updated.
Hormonal changes are only one of the many variables that impact the “maturing Coupledom”: parenting changes: careers change; in-law needs change; locations change; health and economics change; cultural messages change. All these variables criss-cross the body of the relationship in unexpected ways, leaving a pattern of trails and tracks that cover over the traces of the younger Coupledom, making it difficult to recall what was once there. The more these variables are identified and discussed along the way, the better the prognosis for the Coupledom.
Aging Isn’t Easy Under Any Circumstances: Whether It Is the Journey To Adulthood, Or the Journey Through Adulthood: We are all conversant with the concepts of the terrible two’s or the adolescent years, times associated with growth and challenge. But what needs to enter every day parlance is the concept of A Lifetime of Changes and Challenges for the Maturing Coupledom. Adjustments to aging are not gender specific. They are universal. Men who saw themselves as the young hot shot at work are now the older not so hot shot. Women who had powerful roles as mothers or professionals witness a loss of significance and momentum. Mirrors know longer seem like portraits of the present but frightening warnings of the future. Erection challenges, pretty new neighbors, a friend’s much richer husband or a child’s success or failure all converge to destabilize self-esteem, self-image and relationship security.
Same Sex Couples: Midlife challenges are not limited to heterosexual couples. Same sex couples experience all the same variables. Whether there is more empathy because of shared gender is an intriguing question for which I have no answer; but certainly individual sensitivities, visions and goals need careful exploration and consideration. Visions will change, and all the pressures of facing a future together demand the same careful attention and communication as with heterosexual couples.
The ToolKit of Strategies: The Art of The Mature Conversation.
The All Important Basic Rules of Decency (BROD): Before you embark on sensitive topics such as menopause, andropause, dreams and goals, rules of decency have to be established. Intimacy can breed contempt but all couples have to fight that tendency. Whether it be the annoyance of listening to snoring night after night, bathroom behaviors, or disgust at the sloppiness of one and the compulsive neatness of the other, insults, words of contempt, superiority and ridicule are foul play. To approach sensitive conversations, rules of decency are required. Below are some rules to follow.
Differences in the Details: Making light of your partner’s concerns is taboo. Whether it is a defense or lack of imagination, poo pooing a spouse’s focus on a 4 pound weight gain, a few less hairs, or wounded feelings, is destructive and hurtful. Instead try to understand. Walk around in your partner’s “moccasins” for a bit. After all, this is how we parent. As parents we try to imagine how it feels to be a two-year old when she tries to master a new skill but can’t get it at first, or a teenager who has just been rejected by a boyfriend or lost a soccer game or received a rejection from the college of his choice. We need to use that same imagination with our partners. What might seem trivial is in fact representative of much larger issues.
Imagination and Empathy are Tools of Love: These strategies build bridges and weave threads of connection between people. Do not be dismissive or mocking, no matter what thoughts leap to mind or tickle your funny bone. These very thoughts might really be the defense of humor triggered more by fear or embarrassment than pleasure. Details or minutiae have larger themes, representing something far more significant for your partner than you may at first recognize. They are telling you something. Restrain Yourself. And be smart.
How Vulnerable And Open Can I Be?: Can I, as the husband, really share with my wife some embarrassing worries about my virility and attractiveness, or that I failed to become the man I envisioned ? My disappointing earning power: my fear that whatever I earn, she will spend on others. I don’t want her to see me as a wimp or make fun of me. Can I as the wife share how helpless and ashamed I feel with all these mood swings, forgetfulness and muddled thoughts. I don’t want to be the butt of his macho jokes. Once the rules are agreed upon, fears can be shared safely. Tread lightly on soft surfaces.
The Conversation: First step is to ask yourself what do I want my partner to understand about what I am going through? Once you identify the essential issues, then establish the Basic Rules of Decency with your partner. Should those rules be broken, agree to suspend the conversation for the moment, and reschedule it. Don’t over react and make the “conversation” the problem. Just regroup and begin again.
The Language of Conversation: It is always best to speak in the first person “I” when talking about feelings. “I feel” works a lot better than “You make me feel”. “I would like you to understand” works better than “You don’t understand what I am going through”.
As the listener, if you cannot take it all in, or feel overwhelmed or stymied as to how to respond, ask for time to think over what you just heard. “I may need some time to understand all that you have shared”. Set that up as an option in advance. Time is a friend. Use it.
Problem Solve as A Team Even With The Most Intimate Concerns: Concerns regarding sexual comfort and performance can be brainstormed together. And if no answer seems available in the moment, again take the time to seek out an expert, or go online, and make sure to continue the conversation together with shared information and suggestions. If your concerns are about fitness and attractiveness, formulate a mutually satisfying schedule to work out, together, or by taking turns with each covering for the other. Agree on dietary changes or take up a new outdoor hobby. Become good friends again. Help each other out.
Shared Visions Conversation: Do We Share a Similar Vision of Our Future?: Always Be Curious, Never Assume you know your partner’s mind. Ask! Describe what you would like as a future together. Offer your idea as one option, not “the” option. Have this conversation in the beginning of the relationship and often over the years. If time is a pressure and decisions for the future have to be made, but the visions clash, always look for that “third option”.
There is Always a Third Option: Someone wants a sports car, and the other to redo the bathrooms. OK. Take some time to look at options. Visit some car showrooms and tile stores. Someone is dreaming of retirement in Florida and the other wants to stay close to family. Take out a map, check distances, climates and costs. Perhaps the dream of a Porsche is postponed for a steam shower in the new bathroom. Or a sports car is expanded to include a trip through the Napa Valley together with the top down. Something that both can enjoy. Stay open, playful, imaginative and do not let any one conversation be the final one….until you are both comfortable with its outcome.
Surely It is Worth It: During any conversation where the stakes are high, reactivity may soar. Buttons get pressed, but remember this is just the beginning of a series of exchanges over the shared lifetime. Crank down the “threat level”, listen and learn. No quick decisions, just process, reflection and empathy. For one moment, ask yourself, “what is it like to be her, to be him?”. For just a moment. Take Your Time.
Surely It Is Worth It.
Epilogue: That Couple mentioned in Part 1 did listen, and came up with a mutual vision, a “third option” to their life view, that healed enough of the hurt, deepened the bond and allowed them to move forward with their shared life. Each one took responsibility for their role in the “perfect storm”. No one bad guy. No one bad gal. Just two people who forgot to trust for a moment in the process of sharing what was hurting the most. Temporary solutions were sort outside the marriage, for both of them, and nearly cost them the marriage. It Ain’t Worth It.
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A DC Tale from a former Washingtonian – Diane Noboa
The battle of the sexes is probably a topic you are very familiar with. No one can escape the controversy that our differences generate…we think different, we act out of different motivations, our way of expressing ourselves can’t be more opposite, we confuse each other with what we really want to say sometimes, we play love and hate games with each other that border on insanity and yet, there is something deliciously peculiar about the way we are interwoven. Man and woman are made for each other. Made to complement each other and become one.Procreation (as I am sure you are aware of) is an old and well known activity we’ve engaged in since the beginning of time.
I’ve read so many essays and books on our differences, I can’t begin to enumerate them, we could talk until next year about them…and without a doubt they all agree on one point: we ARE different. But how different are we really? Have you thought about the fact that “Woman” has “Man” in it? We could easily be in front of a word game here…let’s see:
Mrs. has “Mr.” in it;
Female has “Male” in it;
She has “He” in it;
OK, you get it. This is that message circulating around our spam folder…but have you given it a second thought? Why in the bejeezus would these words – meant to describe man – be part of a woman word? Look at the four examples I give you, why is “man” in everything “woman”? And please don’t think about the obvious, but rather challenge yourself to look beyond the manly perspective into the subliminal…Now look at these and tell me there isn’t a direct relation between the most important male accusations about our behavior…and MEN! How simply insane is MENtal illness; MENstrual cramps; MENtal breakdown; MENopause; GUYnecologist AND when we have REAL trouble, it’s a…HISterectomy!!!
I propose we, as women, humbly agree with men (observe the word play – you’ll never be free from this analogy again), and acknowledge we are very much affected by them. They are part of us in more ways than one. They could, in fact, be proportionally related to the magnitude and severity of said maladies. I mean, as kids (and mine are all boys) they come into the world as rambunctious little tornadoes and they bring all this incredible and marvelous HAVOC to our lives and in everything they do. How they play, how they fight, how they eat, how they dress, it’s a crazy mess and something, I clearly know, I could not live without.
To serve my point, I love men. I appreciate them and I can’t tell you enough about my little musketeers. And although some guys grow up to become complete jackholes (hmm…perhaps these are the men that are included in the above mentioned disorders and maladies) others are supreme in their masculinity and absolutely wonderful specimens that honor women and make it so incredibly joyful to have them in our lives. Even bad boys are good to have around us sometimes…splashing color when we’re bored
I learned from my English Literature and Political Science courses at Trinity College, we ultimately believe we have discovered sliced bread by acknowledging this dichotomy between the sexes, but this conversation is older than time itself and doesn’t discriminate based on race, age or class…Enjoy the quotes and share them with your friends!! They will no doubt stir up quite a discussion on your FB profile…
“Between men and women there is no friendship possible. There is passion, enmity, worship, love, but no friendship.” ~ Oscar Wilde (1854-1900) Irish poet and dramatist.
“He is half of a blessed man. Left to be finished by such as she; and she a fair divided excellence, whose fullness of perfection lies in him.” ~ William Shakespeare (1564-1616) British poet and playwright.
“It takes one woman twenty years to make a man of her son — and another woman twenty minutes to make a fool of him.” ~ Helen Rowland (1875-1950) American journalist and humorist.
“The cocks may crow, but it’s the hen that lays the egg.” ~ Margaret Thatcher (1925-?) British statewoman.
“When women go wrong, men go right after them.” ~ Mae West (1892-1980) American actress and playwright.
“The great living experience for every man is his adventure into the woman. The man embraces in the woman all that is not himself, and from that one resultant, from that embrace, comes every new action.” ~ D. H. Lawrence (1885-1930) English writer.
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I went for my pre-op blood work and paperwork signing yesterday and made out fine. That’s a big deal to me because I don’t do well with blood work and have to lie down to have it drawn or I’ll pass out. Definitely not one of my favorite things to do in the world.
Last night was another sleepless night filled with sweating, freezing, tossing and turning. At least I’m on my school vacation this week and don’t have to set an alarm until 2/22. I’m not sure what today brings but I’m just glad to be home home.
I tried calling my dad the other night to tell him about my upcoming surgery but he wasn’t home and hasn’t called me back yet. I don’t think he’s going to fully understand… many people don’t. Not that I’ve personally told many people but there is so little known about BRCA mutations amongst people who are not affected by it that it’s completely foreign to them. I haven’t avoided telling him because I want to keep it a secret from him, rather, I don’t want him to worry about my surgery and think about it until it got close. Also, I’ve chosen to not share it with everyone that I know so the fewer people that know about it, the less chance it will become a topic of conversation around town.
I grew up in a small city and still live and work in the area. I know a LOT of people and things spread like wildfire here. I don’t feel comfortable about having something so personal being the headline news around town. I don’t feel that people will be talking about it in a bad way or anything but I just don’t want my health to become such public knowledge. I also don’t want to have “explain” everything.. what it’s all about, my reasons for my decision, defending my decision, etc AND…. like I said in my very first post: My children and siblings have yet to be tested and I don’t want to drag their health into the gossip either. It’s just not something that I want on publicized.
Wendy. First the Delany sisters and now this! Clearly, the best writers are old writers!
I was just reading Green Eggs and Ham with my 6-year-old son, and some questions came up about Dr. Seuss. So, we Googled him. I did not know that Theodore Geisel’s (aka: Dr. Seuss) career as the writer we know and love began after he was 50 years old! Yes, he did write before he was 50. But the whole Green Eggs and Ham phenom happened later.
Apparently, in May 1954, (he was born in 1904) Life magazine published a report on illiteracy among school children, which concluded that children were not learning to read because their books were boring. And so, a textbook editor at Houghton Mifflin compiled a list of 348 words he felt were important for first-graders to recognize and asked Geisel to cut the list to 250 words and write a book using only those words. Spaulding challenged Geisel to “bring back a book children can’t put down.” And Cat in the Hat was born.
In 2000, Publishers Weekly compiled a list of the best-selling children’s books of all time; of the top 100 hardcover books, 16 were written by Geisel, including Green Eggs and Ham, at number 4, The Cat in the Hat at number 9, and One Fish Two Fish, Red Fish, Blue Fish at number 13.
Another interesting tidbit? He did not win the Caldecott –or–the Newbery Medal.
Just goes to show you. You can be old. You can be a loser. But you can still have a whippin’ good career as a writer.
A DC Tale from a former Washingtonian – Diane Noboa
